14 December, 2018

Bereavement at Christmas time

Comments : 3 Posted in : Bereavement, Christmas on 14/12/2018 by : rachgriff@hotmail.com

Back in February I wrote a blog post about being positive in the wake of being widowed.  I was overwhelmed by the response to it.  It is by far the most visited post on my blog, it was featured in the press and best of all, I had many people contact me to say they found it helpful.

This time last year I was facing my first Christmas as a 40 year old widow with 2 young boys.  As I face my second Christmas without my Husband, I thought I’d share a few thoughts on how to try and cope with loss at this time of year.

The first Christmas is probably the hardest as it’s the first time you are facing the big day without your loved one.  But saying that, why should Christmas Day be any worse or any better than the other 364 in the year.  It is after all, just another day.  The one thing that is certain though is that Christmas will never be the same again.  My advice to others in my situation is to adapt the day to suit you.  You might fancy a quiet day of contemplation or you may want to throw yourself full on into the festivities.  You might feel like getting away from it all or you might want to spend the day in your pyjamas eating selection boxes.  My advice is be kind to yourself.  Do as much or as little as you think you can cope with.  Be flexible with your plans.  Other people will usually understand, and if they don’t, so what, it’s important for your mental health that you face the day how best you can.  Yes it’s important to consider the feelings of other family members but ultimately you should only have to deal with your own grief, and that of your children. 

As we get older, most of us have lost somebody, and Christmas time does change.  When my Grampa died a few years back, Christmas changed for the whole family.  My Grampa’s house was the focal point for meeting up, and after he passed away and the house was sold, there wasn’t that central meeting point any more.  The younger family members had all married and started families of their own.  Things moved on.  

Last year I actually found the build up to Christmas more difficult than the day itself.  I would be getting on with the Christmas shopping, or listening to Christmas songs, or making arrangements to catch up with people, and I would be hit by waves of guilt.  Guilt that I was sort of enjoying myself.  But I would tell myself that I was unable to change what had happened, so I should make the best of the situation and get on with things the best I could. I thought this was the best tribute to my Husband, as he didn’t have a choice in the matter, and I was living for the both of us.

I’m blessed to have 2 young Sons for whom the magic of Christmas is very much alive and so the role of playing Father Christmas is a great focus at this time of year.  Quite simply, I’ve got to get on with it, but the grotto visits, concerts and Christmas parties provide a welcome distraction from the sadness.

Last year, I decided that I was going to make the day as stress free as possible.  I wasn’t going to spend all morning slaving over a Christmas dinner that the kids wouldn’t eat anyway!  My favourite meal of the festive period is turkey & chips, so that’s what I decided we should have!  The turkey was cooked on Christmas Eve, the potatoes were peeled and this freed up my time on Christmas Day to enjoy the children.  I spent every single Christmas Day of my 15 year teaching career ill!  Because I had run around like a headless turkey for weeks; working, shopping, wrapping, preparing, socialising, and being completely over the top for the sake of a few hours on the 25th December!  As soon as dinner was served, I would finally relax and end up ill.  Never again!  So it’s turkey and chips (and a whole lot less stress) this year too!  Visitors are always welcome, but they just have to go with the flow!  

Last year I reflected a lot on what Christmas time is actually all about.  We live in an age of social media, where Instagram and Facebook are full of photos of ‘look how many presents my kids have got’ or ‘look at my turkey dinner’!  The truth of the matter is that Christmas is actually an ordeal for many.  Lots of people are lonely, or away from family, or spending the day with people they don’t actually like, or they have got themselves into debt that they will be months paying back.  Many are glad when it’s all over.  If we cut through all of the materialistic stuff, the greatest present you can get for Christmas is the presence of loved ones.  Unfortunately, it’s only when you have lost loved ones that you realise that everything else is superficial.  My advice is enjoy the company of loved ones this year, as it is the greatest gift you will get.

My youngest Son is currently obsessed with ‘The Grinch’ and there’s a fabulous verse in the book which I’m going to quote…

A lovely message 🙂

So, to recap, my advice to those coping with loss at Christmas time is to adapt the day to suit yourself and make it as stress free as possible.  

And remember to be kind to yourself x

For anybody struggling with bereavement this Christmas, Cruse Bereavement Care have extended hours on their National Helpline (0808 808 1677), with operators working throughout the Christmas period.

For friends of the bereaved, one of the hardest things for bereaved people is when others avoid them.  I was heartbroken when I read another young widow’s story of a neighbour blanking them in a supermarket queue because they didn’t know what to say.  Let’s break the taboo.  I know in my experience, I wanted to feel as normal as possible, and was grateful of people who asked after us.  So my advice is, give that bereaved friend a call.  They might not be in the mood to join in the festivities but they will be very glad to know that others are thinking of them.

Wishing you all a peaceful Christmas x