7 February, 2018

Being Positive….. 1 year on.

Comments : 22 Posted in : Uncategorized on 07/02/2018 by : rachgriff@hotmail.com

A year ago today my life was changed forever when I lost my Husband Greg at the age of just 41.  Although he’d been diagnosed with seemingly incurable stomach cancer almost a year earlier, it was still a huge shock that he died so suddenly that day.  But typical of Greg, he was as kind in death as he was in life.  He passed away quickly at home surrounded by his loved ones without any drawn out suffering for himself or us.  Although the cancer was under control after many sessions of chemotherapy, it was ultimately, probably a large clot that killed him, a side effect of the cancer itself and the treatment.

I think I probably did a lot of my grieving when we had Greg’s diagnosis a year earlier.  Although he seemed fairly well and we initially assumed that he had just a stomach ulcer, the Doctor’s faces at each appointment told a different story.  The cancer was incurable.  They couldn’t operate to remove it but chemotherapy could be used to contain and hopefully shrink it.  I’d heard many people say that when they get a cancer diagnosis it’s almost like an out of body experience, that you feel like you are looking in on somebody else’s life and that it can’t really be happening to you, and that is exactly how it felt.  At the start we talked very openly about what would happen in the worst case scenario, if Greg were to actually die.  Greg instilled in me a belief that I would be fine and that I was more than capable of bringing up the boys should the worst happen.  As it was, his treatment immediately caused an improvement and for large parts of the year between his diagnosis and death he was fairly well in himself.  We were both lucky to have the full support of our employers (him as a Police Officer and myself as a teacher) and we were never made to feel that we should have been anywhere but at home as a family.  For this I am eternally grateful.  We had a year together as a family,  precious time that many of my friends with careers just don’t get to spend with their children and partners.  We actually had many adventures that year!  We bought a VW Camper Van, which had long been a dream of Greg’s, but he’d never ironically been able to do when he was well and working, due to the shifts.  We enjoyed family camping trips to Pembokeshire, Devon and Wiltshire.  We watched the Perseids meteor shower at Stonehenge and woke next to the beach in Newgale.  Magical times.

Greg was a very good patient.  He did everything that his Doctors (and I!) told him.  He took every pill, attended every chemotherapy session and tried alternative therapies,  I’m forever grateful to the healthcare professionals who were involved in all stages of Greg’s treatment and managed his condition as well as they did.  He took up new hobbies such as painting and playing the Ukulele! to keep him occupied when he was in pain.  He never moaned, he was very accepting of his condition.  He didn’t want to be in a ‘battle’ with the cancer, he believed that it had happened for a reason and that sometimes in life peoples paths need to change.  This was truly inspiring and has definitely helped me to cope better with the whole scenario.  It would have been awful had he been bitter or angry or just given up.  I remember his Consultant being so relieved when Greg turned up to an appointment after his first batch of chemotherapy and was upbeat and actually looking forward to his next dose!  As the consultant said, many people hear the word cancer and it’s game over for them, they just give up.  Luckily for us, Greg faced the cancer with such a positive mindset and a belief that he would be better.  Put simply, he tried his very best to beat the cancer but unfortunately it wasn’t to be.

In the days after his passing it became apparent just how highly thought of he was.  There was a huge outpouring of grief, and love, for the big man on social media.  I received dozens of visitors, cards, letters, phones calls, texts and messages, many from people who I’d never even met.  I even received messages from ex criminals that Greg had helped to turn their lives around!  Everybody had either a funny anecdote or a lovely memory of Greg.  I know it’s strange to say, but this was actually a very uplifting time.  Visitors would regale stories about Greg and we would laugh more than we’d cry.  We only realise how loved most people are when they are gone and there is this kind of outpouring, but Greg was lucky enough to have a taster of this when his colleagues very kindly organised a charity rugby match at the Principality Stadium in his honour.  It was a truly fantastic occasion.  Greg got to lead a team out onto the pitch and start a move that culminated in our eldest, rugby mad son Will scoring a try.  A very special day for our family and something that Will speaks so fondly of.  I know it’s a cliché but Greg really did touch so many lives and he was so pleased that this match was arranged.  He got a real sense of how highly regarded he was.  All of this support was a huge comfort during Greg’s illness and after his death.

His funeral was a spectacle.  I decided that it should be full Police honours, after all Greg was a serving officer of nearly 20 years and had policed some of Swansea’s toughest areas.  I felt it would also give his much loved colleagues a chance to pay their respects.  I’ll never forget the sight of over 200 Police Officers lining the route to the chapel in Greg’s home village, not out of duty but out of choice.  Again testament to how highly regarded he was and another source of comfort to his family.

I often get asked ‘how are you so positive?’ or even ‘how do you get yourself out of bed every day?’!  The answer is, I’ve got no choice.  I’m now both Mam and Dad to two young boys.  I haven’t got time to feel sorry for myself and anyway it’s not going to get me anywhere.  I realise that everybody deals with grief very differently, and that a partner’s grief is different to a parent’s grief or a child’s grief or a friend’s grief and that everybody copes in different ways.  My philosophy on it is that I can not change what has happened, no matter how much I want to, so I need to try and make the best of my situation.  If I can swing my legs out of bed in the morning and am feeling well, and the kids are healthy and happy, then anything else that happens that day is a bonus.  I understand that I’m probably in a much better position than a lot of young widows as I have no immediate financial worries, due to us both having had good careers and the support of the various police schemes that Greg had always contributed to.  This has undoubtably taken off an immense amount of pressure that others in my situation may be burdened with.  I’ve been able to put my teaching career on hold so that I can be a stay at home Mum and make the boys my priority.  I know not everybody is able to do this.  I feel very fortunate at the legacy that Greg has left.  I have our two beautiful boys, who very much keep their Dad alive through their looks, personalities and mannerisms.  It’s like having two mini Gregs!  I am so thankful of the wonderful family support that I have.  The kids still have all of their Grandparents, as well as an extended family of Aunts, Uncles and Cousins.  I’m thankful for the friends that I have, from my oldest school friends, to my ex colleagues, to friends that I’ve made through Greg, to friends that I’ve made through my kids, on the school run or at their groups and activities.  Not a day goes by when I don’t get at least a couple of messages or visits from somebody enquiring on how we are doing.  I am very grateful for this and it is a huge boost to know that people are rooting for us.  Some people just have an uncanny knack of messaging or knocking the door just as I’m about to have a wobble!  I’m also very mindful of the fact that Greg was always the first to reach out to somebody who was up against it and his colleagues speak of how he always raised morale, so it is nice that friends are honouring his memory by keeping in touch with us.  Support is so important.  We are very lucky to have so many people looking out for us and I will never, ever take that for granted.

I’ve found that keeping myself busy has been a great help in dealing with the grief.  I’ve got involved in my Son’s school in a number of ways, through being a Governor to a member of the PTA to teaching the occasional Science lesson.  I still feel like I have a purpose and am using my skill set and most importantly I’m meeting people.  I also help to run the Friday morning Playgroup that my youngest Son Morgan attends.  It’s great to meet up with a like minded bunch of Mum’s to have a cuppa and a good chat!  We joke every week that I pay £1 and supply some cake and it’s the cheapest therapy I’ll ever get!  We chat, we laugh, we’ve even been known to cry! but at the end of each Friday morning we all feel a lot better!  I’ve also met many fantastic people through the kids activities such as rugby, judo and swimming.  There is always somebody to chat to and always somebody offering to help.  I’ve really seen the best of people during the past year.

I’m lucky to have found a new passion in Speciality Coffee.  When Greg died I felt like I needed to close the door on my teaching career and move forward.  Hitting the big 40 a few weeks after his death probably added to this mini mid life crisis too!  So I decided to buy some very expensive coffee equipment, train as a barista, start a blog and learn as much as I could about coffee.  This really has been the best therapy.  It gets me up and out of the house to drink coffee and meet like minded people.  It fills my thoughts and I still feel like I’m utilising my scientist skills!  Most of all it’s my ‘me time’ when I get to be Rachel and not just Mum.  My boys are my world but it’s refreshing to have a hobby just for me!

Of course I get times when I’m down.  I’m only human.  I often see elderly couples taking their Grandchildren to the park and that’s a luxury that I’ll never be afforded.  But I celebrate the fact that I had Greg in my life for 15 years.  He never caused me a moments heartache, not even when he was unwell.  He was a wonderful husband and I am truly grateful for the times we had.  Some people never find this sort of happiness so I was truly blessed.  I sometimes think ‘life is unfair’ and why have my Sons lost their Dad so young.  But then as I tell Will, they were blessed to have such a wonderful Dad, even if it was for too short a time.  There’s a saying ‘Give me a child until he is 7 and I will show you the man’ and Will had these 7 formative years with Greg, where he instilled a very good set of values on Will that will stay with him for life.  Morgan sadly, is oblivious to it all and will have difficult questions answered in the future, but he’s blessed to have such an amazing role model for an older brother so will always have a father figure in his life.  It’s funny how things work out – by them both being born on May 19th (6 years apart) and exactly a week before Greg’s birthday, they will always have an extra special bond.

I do sometimes also feel guilty that I’m enjoying myself or going somewhere and that Greg is missing out.  But a friend pointed out to me that we have a duty to live life to the full for those who are no longer here, as they don’t have the opportunity.  So when I’m making plans with friends or booking a trip or doing something special for the kids – I’m doing it on behalf of Greg – because I’m still able to.  Life is not a dress rehearsal, usually only one chance we get.

So here I am, one year on.  I see today as another hurdle to get over.  It marks the end of the first cycle.  We’ve been through the first of everything without Greg – birthdays, Christmas, Fathers Day, anniversaries – and we are still here to tell the tale.  It doesn’t get any less painful to have lost Greg but it does get easier to get through each day, but only because of the incredible support we’ve received.  So in answer to the question ‘how are you so positive?’ my answer is this….. I’m trying to make the best of the situation I find myself in.  I can’t change it but I’m sure as hell not going to let it ruin me or my boys.  I am a ‘cup half full’ sort of person and always look for the positives.  Somebody asked me what my overwhelming feeling is everyday and I answered ‘I’m grateful’.  Grateful that I had Greg in my life, grateful for his legacy – the boys, the financial security, the friendships.  She replied ‘well that just shows how much love you shared’.  She’s right.  To have felt such love means that unfortunately you’re going to feel such hurt when you lose that person.  But there’s another saying that I’ve found to be true…..

So today I’m sure a lot of you will raise a glass or break into a smile or even shed a tear over our Greg.  I’m sure he’s looking down on us all with that cheeky grin and twinkle in his eye.

If there is anybody reading this who is in a similar situation to myself, I’m lucky that I’m getting by with the support of family and friends.  There are however lots of places that you can turn for help.  I spoke to a counsellor from the police force a few times and I was directed to different bereavement groups through my occupational health team at work.  I haven’t felt the need to follow these suggestions up, but I’m very open to ideas like this and it would never be something I’d discount, even in the future.  I did find Rio Ferdinand’s book ‘Thinking Out Loud – Love, Grief and Being Mum and Dad’ a very good read.  Rio lost his wife to cancer in her early 30s, leaving him with 3 young kids.  There are lots of suggestions of groups, charities etc in this book and it’s especially useful if you don’t think you are coping with grief.

Thank you all for your continued support.  Don’t ever underestimate how much a kind word can raise somebody’s spirits x